


Unfixable

by SecretShadowDust



Series: When You Break, I Will Be There [1]
Category: Hat Films - Fandom, The Yogscast
Genre: Breakup, Broken, Broken Heart, Crying, Dating, Deceit, Homosexuality, Hurt, Love, Lying for the better, M/M, Male Homosexuality, Physical Pain, Physical pain caused by emotional pain, Shower Crying, Sort of dating, Unworthy, emotional wreck, lying
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-12-12
Updated: 2016-12-12
Packaged: 2018-09-08 00:27:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,677
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8822392
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SecretShadowDust/pseuds/SecretShadowDust
Summary: Chris Trott does not believe he can ever be fixed, he thinks he only ever hurts the people he loves. So what does he do when he falls in love with Alex Smith? He ignores it; But when Smith falls in love with him too and they end up kissing and becoming intimate after a late night fight, what can he do?He doesn't trust himself, so he has to leave, has to break it off before he gets lost in love and forgets what he is capable of.Or:Trott breaks up with Smith and than has to deal with his own heartbreak in the aftermath.





	

**Author's Note:**

> This is actually an excerpt from a story I'm writing. This is also the first Fanfic I have ever posted, I hope you like it!  
> It was meant to be a lot shorter as it is only an excerpt, but... it got a little out of hand, oh well!  
> Hope you enjoy!  
> *side note: I may add other chapters to this if people like it, but as it's part of a bigger story they may not exactly coincide with the characters! Thanks.

“I don’t think you get it Smith, I’m broken. Irreparable, unfixable, you can’t help me. I’m not just a little bent out of shape; I’ve been beaten and battered, whipped so many times I forgot my own name; I’ve lost myself, I’m a broken mess, a shattered version of who I was. I kept picking myself back up, after each beating, each brand new torture, but I’m so tired now Smith. Every time I fell, I cracked, and the cracks spread each time, they kept spreading until I… shattered; I’m not who I used to be , I can’t be who you want me to be. You may think you can piece me back together but you can’t. There are too many pieces and you’ll just end up getting cut. You are better off without me.”  


“But I’m not Trott, I want to help you! You don’t have to be alone. Why can’t you see that? There are people who care about you, people who want to help you like I do, why won’t you let us?”  


Trott chuckled darkly, looking away from smith. He set his lips in a dark line breathing heavily through his nose, clenching his hands into fists at his side; he was so close to tears, furious moisture gathering behind his eyes.  


“Why don’t you understand? I’m poison Smith, I ruin everything I care about. The only real difference between me and how I was before is that I’m broken now too. I will ruin you and you will hate me for it, I can’t live with you hating me Smith.” He looks over at Smith, tears ran freely down the other man’s face and he swallowed, doing his best to hold his own tears back. He wouldn’t cry, not here, not in front of Smith.  


“I don’t want to live without you Trott! I can’t,” Smith begged.  


Trott shook his head and cast him a morose glance, “Don’t be stupid Smith,” He whispered.  


“Stupid?” Smith shook his head, furiously swiping at the tears on his cheeks before laughing darkly, his voice rose in volume to contradict Trott’s quietness “I’m being stupid? I’m not the one giving up on a damn good thing, I’m not the one throwing my chance at happiness away. The only thing your poison to Trott, is yourself.” He looked over and met Trott’s eyes, he could see just how broken his friend really was in that one gaze.  


“I don’t care if you hurt me Trott, no matter how many times you ruin me or throw me out your door, I will always come back to you. I could never hate you, do you know why?” He looked once again at his friend, but Trott refused to look his way, “I couldn’t- I would never hate you Chris, because I love you. I love you so damn much. Whenever I’m around you it’s like all the bad things just fade from the world; when I’m with you I feel like I could fight this whole damn war on my own. When I’m with you, even just the thought of you, makes me happier than I’ve been in a long time.” Smith took one step closer to him, but Trott took two back.  


Smith growled in frustration, fresh tears built up in the corners of his eyes, “People say that when you’re around the person you love, you forget yourself, but it’s not like that with you. When I’m around you, I don’t forget myself; when I’m with you I feel like I know myself better than I ever have. God damn it Chris, the one thing I can be sure of in this world is that I love you, more than I have ever loved anything.”  


Smith stood there, feeling like he’d bared his soul, but he could see the answer in the way Trott shook his head, the way he shifted his feet and looked away. He watched as Trott swallowed, tracking the bob of his Adams apple, _“Don’t lie Smith,” _he whispered.  
__

Alex slammed his palm flat against the wall in frustration, “I’m not lying, why can’t you see that?” his voice sounded desperate to his own ears, once again rising.  
“If you’re not lying to me, then you’re lying to yourself,” Trott looked to his left, burning a hole in the wall with his gaze. His fists were clenched at his sides and his breathing was ragged, irregular as he struggled to keep himself under control.  


Smith stared at him, he couldn’t quite grasp why Trott continued to refuse to listen to him, why would he lie about this of all things? A sudden sweep of determination filled him, if Trott wouldn’t listen he would have to show him. On a sudden impulse he took three quick strides towards the other man, meeting him on the third one he grasped the other man’s face and stared into his eyes.  


He waited but Chris didn’t move away and then ever so slowly, he brought his lips down to Chris’. He kissed him, and through the kiss he did his best to convey to Trott just how much he loved him, pouring through their connection his emotions and feelings. Their lips moved in sync for just under a minute.  


Smith could feel Trott’s muscles tensing and untensing where their bodies touched, an internal struggle that he could feel raging just below his skin. For a moment he thought that perhaps, Trott had beaten his monster and it would all be okay, but he quickly realized that wasn’t the case. Trott’s monsters could not be beaten through a single kiss, he also knew that despite what he hoped, Trott would not except help, and he would not allow Smith to beat away the darkest parts of himself.  


“Stop, please,” his voice was quiet, barely audible even in the tense silence of the room. Trott pulled away from Smith; he was broken, he didn’t understand why Smith couldn’t see it. He couldn’t let himself kiss him, not when he knew that he would utterly destroy him given the chance, whether it be intentional or unintentional.  


Surprised by the absence of Trott, Smith opened his eyes. Chris had slipped away from him, he was standing with his back to the small kitchen space, the counter of the island digging into his back. He wouldn’t look at him, “Trott.”  


He took a step forwards only to stop when Trott held up a hand in warning, he wouldn’t look at Smith, eyes downcast. He swallowed tightly, his chest felt constricted and the tears he had been holding back quickly formed again in his eyes. He opened his mouth to say something, anything, but once again Trott shook his head.  


“I **can’t** Smith,” there was a horrible finality in his words that made him want to fall to his knees and beg, how could he live without the man he loved?  


It was Smith who shook his head now, “Please Chris, I love you, I can’t leave you.”  


Trott swallowed and looked over at his friend, once again met with the sight of tears slipping down his cheeks. He had already hurt him, “I-I don’t love you smith, I don’t,” Trott paused, could he do what he was about to do? Would he be able to live with himself? Probably not, but he had to do it, “Hell, I don’t even care about you, I never have. It was only ever you who felt anything, the only thing I ever wanted from you was sex. I don’t care Smith, I don’t love you, can’t you see that?”  


Smith stared in disbelief then shook his head, he didn’t believe him, how could he? “No, you’re lying, I know you are. Even if you don’t love me, you care.”  


Once again Trott laughed, a dark and horrible sound that sent a shiver down Alex’s back, “No, I really don’t. I think it’s time for you to go Smith, I don’t want you here, and I never have.”  


Smith opened his mouth and closed it again, was he telling the truth? No he couldn’t be, he had told him before that he cared, Smith had seen it in his eyes. But the way Trott looked now; a pitying smile had come to rest on his face but his eyes were cold, hiding the broken man he had witnessed through them before.  


“Chris-“ he tried again but was quickly interrupted “Leave Smith, now.”  


Alex swallowed and looked at Chris once more before walking towards the door, he let his hand rest on the doorknob and kept his back to the smaller man, “I know that you have been hurt more than I can ever comprehend; I know you went through hell, and I can never truly understand what that was like, but I just want you to know, that if you ever need anyone, I will always be there.” He doesn’t look back as he opens the door and steps out into the hallway, “Goodbye Chris.’  


Trott watched as Smith turned to leave, he paused in the doorway and Chris thought for a moment that he would look back and see the first sign of tears that had began to drip down his cheeks, but he didn’t look back, just closed the door with a click behind him.  


_“Goodbye Alex.” ___

* * *

For ten minutes Trott stood with his back pressed against the edge of the counter top, he didn’t move, just kept staring at the door as if he could will Alex back into existence. If Smith were to come back he wasn’t certain he would’ve been able to make him leave again, in fact, he was almost certain that he would have fallen in to his arms and apologized profusely, but he didn’t come back.  


Eventually Trott pushed himself away from the counter and shuffled up the stairs, dazed. He walked into the main bathroom, closing the door behind him. He tried his best to not look into the mirror but eventually he met his reflections eyes.  


What stared back at him seemed incredibly similar to the man he used to see several months ago, when he first got to the base. His eyes were dark and empty, silent tears tracked trails down his cheeks, slipping off his chin and collecting on the bathroom tile. He was tired, his muscles sore and heavy, he just wanted to fall to the floor in a mess and cry himself into oblivion, but he wouldn’t.  


Instead he turned on the shower as hot as it would allow, letting the steam billow out from behind the curtain and collect on the mirror. He waited until the mirror was steamy enough that he would only be able to see the outline of his frame and then he began to undress. He pulled his hoodie over his head and let it fall in a pile on the ground; He hadn’t been wearing anything under the hoodie.  


Next he dropped his lose sweatpants and his underwear, stepping out of the puddle of clothing and facing the shower curtain. He gently pulled back the cloth and stepped into the tub.  


Water pelted his back, searing hot, almost unbearable. It burned his skin but he didn’t reach to turn down the temperature, he embraced the burning pain like an old friend, letting emotion slip over his skin following the path of the water.  


It was here, standing under a burning stream of water, in an empty house, that he truly let himself go; Trott collapsed forward onto his knees, tears caught in the flow of water sliding down his face. Sobs raked through his body as he offered no restraint, he cried and sobbed loudly covering his face with his hands as hot shame coursed through his body.  


_Look at me now, can’t you see how broken I am? Can’t you see what a mess I am? Why would you ever want to be with me? ___

He’s not sure how long he stayed like that, racked with horrible sobs, choking on water and tears alike, but when he finally crawled to his feet and went to shut off the tap, the water was running cold and his knees were numb from the pressure he’d placed on them.  


He shivered as he got out, hair plastered to his skin, cold droplets of water racing from strands of his hair and down his back. There was still a thick layer of moisture covering the mirror and concealing his reflection, steam still filled the room leftover from the running of hot water.  


Not even considering a towel, Trott pulled his hoodie and sweatpants back on, not caring that in the morning he would be uncomfortably damp. He didn’t bother with anything else either, just opened the bathroom door and stepped into the cool hallway.  


Steam billowed out from the bathroom and into the hallway; Trott stood still for a moment, letting it fall around him in waves. He felt extremely hollow now, like everything had just been drained from his body, leaving him cold and alone. He wanted nothing more than to crawl under the covers on his bed and disappear, taking his hopelessness and despair with him. But he couldn’t, he was stuck with this horrible and sickening despair.  


He thought about Smith, the way he would hug Trott, still wet from the shower, and get water all over his clean shirts; or the way he would “forget” to turn the fan on when he showered, letting the moisture collect on the mirror. Ross always got angry whenever he did it but Smith would just laugh and draw stupid faces into the condensation. God, how was it possible that he already missed him this much?  


A pain began to spread through Chris, a horrible gut wrenching thing that consumed him. He gasped and stumbled back into the bathroom collapsing to his knees beside the toilet, he threw up what little food he had had that day and when it was all gone he dry heaved for two straight minutes until it stopped completely.  


Trott sat back from the toilet gasping. He pushed down the flusher and went to stand but the pain was still there and he was unable to rise to his feet, so he sat there, back against the wall, and put his head between his knees, curling in on himself. His gasps quickly turned to sobs but he didn’t cry; his cheeks remained dry as he shuddered and shook.  


Chris slowly brought his breathing back under control, but afraid of the ever present pain bringing him back to his knees he did not attempt to stand. Despite how humiliating it would feel later, he slowly crawled, on all fours, back to his room. When he pulled himself up onto the bed the pain sparked up again, lighting a raging fire in his stomach and behind his eyes, all he could do was lie paralyzed as a pain he had never experienced destroyed him from the inside out. 

* * *

He wouldn’t sleep that night, too lost in his own heartbreak and the terrible pain it had wrought on his body. At about 3am Trott heard the door open and shut quietly, quickly followed by the creak of footfalls on the old stairs, a small part of him hoped it was Smith, coming back to him. But when the person continued past his door he assumed it was Sips, coming back to their shared apartment. His assumption was quickly confirmed by a muffled bang and a muttered curse as Sips hit something in the dark or stubbed his toe. Shortly after he had come home, Trott heard his door shut just down the hall and then the house fell back into silence.  


Alone in the dark he curled in on himself and closed his eyes, begging to just disappear; he didn’t want to exist anymore. 

_Once again, Trott had been poisoned by himself, and he was going to let it destroy him as he had many times before. ___


End file.
